Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I can't help but feel disgusted by the Underground Man but I also feel an odd affinity and empathy for the him.  Perhaps because I see myself in the Underground Man and can relate to his angst and self-loathing.  I do feel the same as he does in that the more I learn about the state of our world (pollution, environmental degradation, human and non-human suffering, etc.), the more I am plunged into despair and the more I become disillusioned.  I have had moments of rut much like the Underground Man but thankfully, I have always pulled myself out of them and to move on as best as I can (perhaps like Candide did, although in far less severe circumstances, thankfully!)  I can certainly also relate to the beauty of the sublime or “the beautiful and lofty” as the Underground Man calls it.  I do think that it is still possible to enjoy the sublime even if we live a mostly mundane existence.  We all have our routines, get up, go to work, go home, do chores, slep and repeat all over again.  This is likely most of our human existence.  Sure, somedays, I think, "What is the bloody point?" or you fall into a rut because of your mundane routine.  But there is so much more to life as well!  Granted, we all have varying degrees of success (tangible and intangible) and happiness and may fall into different degrees of rut but ultimately, we can also choose how we deal with this.  We can drive ourselves deeper underground or we can emerge and engage in the world around us.

Everyday, without fail, I am in awe of “the beautiful and lofty” of my pup, Kaslo, the only non-human sentient being that I spend a good deal of my time with.  She never gets "old" or boring to me.  Everyday, my affection and bond to this being increases.  I never cease to be in awe of her, in the beauty of life, in my connection to her.  Ever since she came into my life, the ruts I experience have decreased significantly.  My relationship with "the beautiful and lofty” is experienced daily via Kaslo.  She is one of a few factors that help to guide me through the tremendous suffering in this world.

The alienation of the Underground Man and his perpetual dialogue with himself, overanalyzing his every move past, present and future and motives is absurd and reminds me a bit of the suffering of Gogo and Didi in Waiting for Godot.  I, too can relate as I babble endlessly some nights with my partner about concepts, issues and questions that we will never really know the answer to but we keep on babbling causing much confusion and sometimes self-loathing.  On this, Dostoyevsky hits the spot on human nature.  I think we can all see ourselves in the Underground Man.  Why do we do it?  I do not know and I do not think that we will ever know.

I can understand Underground Man's bitterness given his circumstances... much of it, self-inflicted.  Love as domination over others - how sick...  at least he admits this much.